Accidental Shag
by Dantriestobeproductive
Summary: Where Naruto wakes up in bed with Hatake Sakumo. Wait, what the fuck? (Set in the Paradox Dad universe.)


I don't know how this happened, I was just reading a thoroughly dark and traumatizing piece when suddenly this..._fluffy_ thing jumped me, and I had to leave everything on the side and write it asap (...don't look at me like that).

And yeah, it's kinda Sakumo/Naruto, which is...well, a pairing I never thought I'd write. Wtf brain. Excuses apart, from the universe of Paradox Dad, I present you this piece of awkward situations and (slightly) parental fluff! Enjoy. :D

* * *

Later, Naruto will realize there was an attempt on his life. _Later,_ he'll have an 'oh, _shit_' moment and Kurama will snort, between annoyed, amused and smug, because both of them know well just who saved who in this situation.

At the time though, Naruto gets thoroughly trashed.

He gets drunk like he doesn't remember ever getting (though, given that he doesn't remember much of the night, that may be the wrong expression), and quite by accident at that (a different bar than usual, a bartender that would keep pushing glasses full of hot-tasting, sweet liquid, Sakumo's own inclination to drinking himself under the table in celebration for his little brat's graduation from the Academy, many of Sakumo's friends cheering first in celebration and then goading him when he entered the drinking contest...). He doesn't even realize he's getting drunk of the stuff instead of off happiness for his friend's happiness (which, even if it holds a touch of grimness, Naruto has tried hard to maintain with lighthearted comments of how his kid will be when he gets a genin team of his own to teach ("He'll probably Thousand Years of Death the first kid who recklessly attacks him heads on to pass the test") or how Kakashi will probably carry that damn mask until he's old, and not even his brats will know what he looks like. ("Can you imagine? He'll walk around the house mask-less one day and one of his kids will try to skewer him with a kunai because they thought he was a trespasser," Sakumo snorts in his sake, even as the rest of the group erupts in guffaws and laughter, and Naruto considers it a victory)).

So of course, he's confused and slightly startled when he wakes up to an unfamiliar ceiling, with the remnants of a headache (A _hangover_, part of his mind thinks a bit later, incredulous) and the very physical sensation that he did _something_ last night.

Something to explain the soreness in his backside.

_Oh please, kami, let it not be a blunt kunai_, he thinks with some dread, _I'm not prepared to face_ _**that**__ kind of questions or attention from a medic-nin ever again._

But then there's movement at his side and he notices he's not alone, and quickly realizes this is _nothing_ like that one time with _way too much_ alcohol, a hysterically laughing Shikamaru and a cheering Chouji, back when he was nineteen and hadn't yet developed his impressive tolerance.

No, this is _very_ different. It's Sakumo, lying at his side.

Naked.

(And oh, apparently he's naked too. _How didn't he realize this before?_)

And the faint hope that he'd somehow pulled a Jiraiya and got some hot chick to bed with him gets quickly squashed as he realizes the bigger picture that all these little facts mean.

He's a bit embarrassed that the first thing to grace his mind is a comment about Alpha dogs.

(_Inari-sama_, he spent way too much time with Kiba before going back, and years later it's coming back to haunt him.)

Apparently, Sakumo uses the moment in which he's starting to freak out to wake up.

They look at each other.

And the silence stretches like stitches over a healing injury being pushed to its limits.

"Uh, hi?" Naruto says eventually, sounding much more awkward than intended, and a glint of recognition passes through half-lidded, pain-filled eyes (right, hangovers, normal people have those. Naruto doesn't even feel the annoying pang anymore), and then gray eyes open wide.

_Heh, I'd have loved to see Kakashi with such an expression in my past life_, Naruto thinks with a bit of amusement, before his mind screeches to an almost audible, physically painful halt. _I'm NOT thinking about Kakashi while in bed with his father._ _**NOPE**_.

"Wha...," Sakumo doesn't even finish the question, most likely making the addition and getting his answer, and Naruto feels the need to move. ASAP.

So he sits up (_ow, ow, my ass. _And _that must have been an impressive pounding if I'm still feeling it_), and tries to look for his clothes without looking too desperate for a distraction from reality and his own thoughts.

"I, uh, I'll go make breakfast," and that is definitively _not_ what he meant to say.

He actually manages to dress and flee the room before Sakumo can answer (though the hangover might have helped with that). He feels oddly proud, almost Thunder God level of speed.

Then _oh gods, oh fuck,_ **_Minato_**-, but he remembers Minato is on a mission at the moment, and there's no one else at home to miss him. Small mercies.

And still...Naruto can attest that this enters in the top ten Most Awkward Moments of Naruto's (Two) Life(s).

He quickly reconsiders this last thought when he enters into the kitchen to face none other than a five years old Kakashi.

_Inari-sama you still hate me_, is his vindictive first thought.

"Hey," and that's Naruto's (again) brilliant opening comment. He already feels on a roll. "Good morning."

The child looks at him, all geared up and masked already, droopy eyelids watching him with sharp scrutiny.

(And Naruto suppresses the wince, remembering old guilt for being unable to save Kakashi's mother and almost seeing Sakumo- Sakumo's- but _no_, he might have failed already but _he won't fail again won't do that Kakashi and by the gods and the Bijuu and time itself that he won't let Sakumo fall and there won't be a situation like_ that _this time because there __**won't be a need to make a**_ **choice**_._)

"Uzumaki-san," Kakashi says, and Naruto abruptly comes back from the dark path of his thoughts to remember that, for all that he's a genius, the boy still insists in going back to square one _every single time_.

"Call me Naruto-oji, Kakashi-kun, I've already told you you don't need to be so formal with me," he says, smiling and sweat dropping, and silently sending Minato his best wishes for when he's roped with the brat. Which Naruto doesn't know if is right after graduating or later, now that he thinks about it.

"Is there something you need, Naruto-san?" the kid asks, pulling him out of his musings, and he looks at the little Sakumo-clone in utter confusion.

"What?"

"Is my father needed for a mission, or something, that you're here at this hour, Naruto-san?" Kakashi asks again, his voice a pretty impressive attempt of polite monotony that would've fooled others, but Naruto still can hear the underlying dread, just a step away from disappointment.

_Kid probably wants to spend time with his dad now that he's a shinobi too_, Naruto thinks, and a flare of guilt punches him in the gut. _And here I'm-_

_What? I'm **what**?,_ he thinks, starting to feel the beginning of hysteria. Damn it, it's not like he'd planned to sleep with Sakumo, with Kakashi's _father_! The man who's like forty fucking years older than him!

Except not, because Naruto here is the oldest of the two of them.

(In a small part of his mind, he viciously thinks _fucking time travel._)

Outside, he opens his mouth, proceeds to blush as he tries to think of what to say, and then closes it again, before shaking his head slowly.

"Ah, no, I'm not...It's nothing to do with duty calling, don't worry, 'Kashi-chan," he assures the white haired boy, and Kakashi scowls at the nickname.

"I'm a shinobi now. I'm not a _'chan',_" Kakashi says, almost viciously, and Naruto has a pang of _cute_ before he can think clearly.

Dammit, Kakashi used to be so damn _adorable _as a child. It's a thought that's almost disturbing.

"Right, sorry Kashi-kun," Naruto winks with a smile, and the boy's scowl deepens, trying to remain still instead of crossing his arms like he clearly wants to do. _Ahh, I have so much blackmail over you, sensei._ "Anyway, are you up for ramen? Or, what do you eat here for breakfast? Miso with eggplant?"

Kakashi's scowl changes into a look of suspicion, which Naruto expertly ignores as he peruses through the kitchen in the search of something the Hatakes would eat for breakfast.

(He finds a lot of dog treats, but he abstains himself from making some witty comment that could easily get him kicked out through the window, be it by Hatake junior or senior.)

"Why are you so early in our house?" asks Kakashi again, and Naruto sticks his head in the refrigerator to avoid those piercing dark eyes. (Also, because there's the possibility that he'll see that baby face coupled by the glare and the sight will make him burst into laughter. Naruto doesn't want to learn if Kakashi would dare try to poke an adult's ass just yet.)

"Hmm? What the-? Hey, where's the meat?!" he asks, sticking his head out in alarm, and looking at the child with wide eyes. "There're only _greens_!"

"That's because vegetables are _healthy_," Kakashi deadpans, and this time he doesn't stop himself from crossing his arms. Or does it without realizing it, if the way his eyes slightly widen and his arms drop as he frowns the next moment are something to go with.

Naruto snorts.

"Yeah, and so is meat. In an _adequate amount_. _This_ is like the wet dream of a rabbit come true!" he flails, pointing at the refrigerator with alarm, and quickly kicks himself when he realizes what he's just said._Five years old kid, shit!_ Still, he continues and hopes the word slipped past Kakashi's attention. "Is dog's food the only meat you have? Really?! No wonder you're a midget, Kashi!"

Kakashi tries to skew him with a shuriken. Naruto catches the thing by sheer reflex, and Kakashi's glare deepens.

"You still haven't told me what you're doing here, Naruto," the kid grounds out, and Naruto mentally high fives himself. Just one more step towards having the kid calling him uncle, dattebayo!

But at the same time, he'd been hoping Kakshi would completely forget about that. Crap.

"Eh, well, you see...," he considers the merits of telling the kid a lie, but decides a half-truth with more truth than lie is the way to go. Kid _is_ a shinobi after all, and Kakashi-sensei had always had the freaky ability to know when Naruto (or anyone else, for that matter) was lying his pants off. "Your dad got very drunk yesterday with the celebrations, and I brought him home. Since I was tired as well and Mina-kun is on a mission, I decided to sleep here too," Naruto shrugs, like it's a small thing, _nothing you need to bother with kid_, and Kakashi's eyes narrow thoughtfully. Naruto doesn't like that expression.

(It's _exactly_ the same his father gets when he's thinking things through, an it's almost disturbing seeing it from a chibi-clone. Older Kakashi's had been very similar, as well, which doesn't help.)

But, since Kakashi doesn't say anything more, Naruto uneasily takes out the orange juice and pours himself a glass. Nothing better to wash off the horrible taste in his mouth, blegh.

"You slept with my father," Kakashi says suddenly, and Naruto spits out his juice. Then he realizes the back of his throat hurts in a way he _doesn't_ want to think about. "As in you _copulated_ with him," the tone is almost accusing, and Naruto has a moment where the he wildly thinks _Oe__dipus's complex?_ before he _physically _shakes that notion away and suppresses a shudder. (He's _so regretting_ once again letting Ino talk his ear off about psychological disorders that one time. He'd never seen the world quite the same after that, even decades after.)

But more pressing matters.

"Um," he begins, but Kakashi is looking at him with that 'I-know-I'm-right-and-you're-going-to-try-to-lie-your-ass-off' glare that he's only seen before in Sakumo. The following idea that Kakashi lost some of his father's mannerisms with the years makes his throat close, and nothing else comes out.

So he sighs and rubs his eyes, before looking back to his once/past/future sensei and rubbing his neck in habit.

(For a hysterical second, he feels like he's twelve again, being silently reprimanded by his sensei's disappointed gaze.)

"Oops?"

Kakashi keeps his stern glaring, something like confusion and anger and frustration shining like the glint of a kunai, and then he's stone-faced and standing straight as a table, perfect shinobi stance a bit more than disturbing in such a small body.

(And maybe Kurama is right after all, maybe all humans are just as insane as the Shukaku he met as a twelve years old. The thought comes and goes and then there's Naruto standing in front of a five years old, fresh-minted genin Kakashi who's straight into his shinobi persona after Naruto's admitted to sleeping with his father.)

"Then I suppose I'll go training," _and leave you alone_, goes unsaid, and after years of knowing _his_ Kakashi, the Kakashi who'd say more with the less words, the man who made looking underneath the underneath into an art, Naruto understands right away.

"What? Wait, no!," he says, grabbing Kakashi's wrist before he can walk away, _run away_, and Naruto's not fucking this up, will _not_ fuck up Kakashi's relationship with his father because he couldn't for once in twenty something years hold in his alcohol. "Kakashi, I- We were drunk, it was nothing planned or expected and- dammit, kid, you're his _son_, and Sakumo and I are friends, so don't get into this 'making place for dad and his new girlfriend' bullshit with me," and Naruto never thought he'd be grateful that Minato tried the same stunt when he tried (very briefly) to date a civilian girl back in the day, because he's sure he wouldn't have understood so quickly the _why_ of it all otherwise. "He loves you, and you love him, and you're gonna spend the day after your graduation as you damn well want to, got it? I'm not gonna steal your dad away, and no one else better try to." Naruto and Sakumo can talk about..._this_, whatever this is, what happened, later, but this is Kakashi's day. And he's already informed the Sandaime that, if he tries to pull Sakumo into a mission today, Naruto will castrate him.

It'd been hard enough to slap Sakumo back into reality and out of that 'mission-report-mission' funk in which he was after Hanako's death to have it all ruined because Naruto drank too much.

Which, huh, the fact that he'd gotten drunk to begin with _is_ pretty strange...

But Kakashi is looking at him like _that_, a pinched sort of expression he's never seen before in his sensei (never _saw_, because this isn't the Kakashi Naruto knew, because he'll make sure this Kakashi is happier, and not surrounded by dead people until they're all he lives for, always trapped into looking behind himself and at shadows), and Naruto has the urge to hug him, so he does. And when he pulls away from the frozen, tense boy, he tussles his hair, and smiles.

"He's your dad first, kiddo. Breakfast?"

And that's it.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

All things considered, breakfast is a rather normal affair, even if Kakashi has to help him cook all the greens into a decent breakfast (he does so with an eye roll, too, the little shit) and Sakumo comes in when they're putting the plates, clearly showered and looking much better (Naruto is curious enough that he considers asking the man if it's thanks to pills or a healing jutsu, but he bites his tongue, knowing how..._violent_ some hangover-sufferers got when he asked them their methods after a wild night, battered and red-eyed while he stayed hangover-free and fresh as a rose).

Naruto doesn't help with the dishes, letting Kakashi do it and nudging Sakumo until the man gets the hint and gets up to help his kid (and Naruto nods, and smiles from ear to ear), and when Sakumo later accompanies him to the door of the Hatake complex, Naruto doesn't beat around the bush and tells his friend to enjoy his day off with the kid. They can talk it out later.

Sakumo gives him a last strange (if vaguely familiar) look before closing the door.

Then Naruto realizes he was supposed to have a 'meeting' with the Hokage half an hour ago for a 'late report' (read: time-travel headache-inducing nonsense), and takes to the roofs with a muffled curse and neck-breaking speed.

Gods _damn_ alcohol forever and ever.

(Inside the seal, a sleeping Kurama shifts and snorts, feeling his partner's frustration even from there.

Serves him right, for getting himself poisoned and leaving him to clean up after him.)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Two months later, Kakashi starts calling him 'oto-san'. Naruto isn't sure if to cry or to scream, but there's much horror involved.

* * *

Endnote: And so Naruto kept unwillingly adopting children as his own B)

Edit: Fixed the 'Oedipus' mistake (thanks, DMCP!). Curse you Spanish.


End file.
